The new 50 Shades movie comes out in the next few weeks…great. Another incessant barrage of misinformation about BDSM. More confusion about what constitutes consent, and what is abuse. The whole damn thing makes me grumpy. Yeah, I can hear BDSM friends say, “But Z, it brings fresh faces into the lifestyle. Once they get here from 50 Shades, we can show them the correct way.” Truly, I understand the appeal. What sub doesn’t want to find the perfect Dom who has all the toys, money, and knowledge? What sub doesn’t want to be swept away in the fantasy? I get it. Bad news friends, I know of only one Dom who comes close to this, and he’s not even in this country.
That’s just it: some, but not all, newbies are expecting the fantasy without the work. Building a Dom-Domme/Sub relationship that is healthy takes hard work. It takes emotional maturity and positive self esteem on both sides. If you are afraid to make your needs and boundaries known, you’re in for disappointment, if not abuse. Hate to break it to you, inexperienced reader, but most Dom/Dommes aren’t billionaires. The best quote I heard about the 50 Shades phenomenon is this: if this story was based in a trailer park instead of a luxury apartment, it would be a possible episode of Criminal Minds. The chance of abuse is real.
So, Lady Z is going to try to head this off at the pass. Here is a copy of an actual Dominant/submissive contract. If your maybe partner is unwilling to fill one out or even discuss items on this run, don’t walk, away. If you feel pressured to do something that’s a downright deal breaker, see former statement. I’m also reposting a visual that describes the difference between abuse and real BDSM. PLEASE, don’t just go to a BDSM website without doing the footwork first, I’m begging. Ok, bring on the shitty movie.
Cattywampus Universe 
I would reccomend the book “Playing on the Edge” by Staci Newmaher. It adds a lot of context to bdsm community over time, but I bring it up because in her research she describes how the reality of bdsm often turns people off or shocks them. In particular she talked about an influx of people who expect the bdsm scenes to all be young, hot, white, and often straight along that’s occured over time. I think to a certain extent there will always be a dissonance between the reality and the fiction. As a writer my purpose is to serve fiction. The cold hard reality is plenty of people love fiction without consent…and they mentally put themselves in the position of the victimized. The problem is people taking those books and fantasies and saying that is the reality of bdsm, of relationships, of anything healthy. The fiction writer has an obligation to be careful about presenting the fantasy as fantasy, but can they control those who are ignorant or vulnerable? I don’t know. I share your frustration especially since the dynamics of the characters have resulted in a ton of the people saying bdsm practitioners are all damaged people. I just don’t think it is very avoidable.
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A fair observation & a fine response. EL James & the movie makers will make a fortune but there is a lack of reality in the overall BDSM culture. We need to look at what is involved for the converts & their zealots too but with a colder eye.
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Staci Newmaher i will check out
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