There’s an old joke among University of Kentucky Basketball fans which goes as follows:
” Do you know what the definition of a Kentucky Pervert is? It’s a person who prefers sex rather than basketball, especially in the month of March.”
In this case it’s March 2006. The yearly statewide swinger’s St. Patrick’s Day Meet, Greet, Drink and Fuck party rolled in, so the local happy hotel was packed. You know the one, all city’s have them: the slightly seedy, out of the way hotel/motels where all the hookups on Tinder end up. The door to the ballroom is closely guarded, and your (online couple) name must be on the list. You pay your $25 and slide through the curtain covered door.
As you enter the darkened ballroom, to quote Patton Oswalt, “So, in we go into this enchanted forest of cock shafts and labias.” typically. We ran late that night, after going to smoke a quarter pound of pot with our head shop owner friends, so the expectation is that fornication has commenced. Not so. There was two clothed crowds on each end of this gargantuan room. A group of about 6 ladies were in the middle of this cavernous place licking, scissoring, and double dildo shoving for all it was worth….alone. One would expect at least an audience at a orgy, but you could hear crickets amid the moans.
Stoned and perplexed, we shoved through the crowd and are flummoxed by the spectacle. Two 60 inch projection tv’s had been set up at each end of the room, and all these supposedly horny and ready adults were watching University of Kentucky Basketball. The shouting drowned out the orgasmic howls from the chicks trying to compete with March Madness. But the crowds around the tv understood what the sex show in the middle didn’t: there might have been swingers there, but precious few Kentucky Perverts.
All we did was look around the party, found a few others shaking their heads, and headed out to the room to smoke the other quarter pound of weed and follow the game discreetly. We’re swingers, not weirdos.