#BDSM · Politics · SexualConsent · Sexuality

Findomme: The Aftermath

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So, the month is over for my Social experiment into the BDSM subsection, Findomme. If you go by my first hypothesis, that I could become one in one month, I failed. I didn’t have an interaction that ended in financial gain or connection with a slave. As I’ve considered it longer, though, I’ve learned valuable lessons about myself.

First is that if I truly wanted to go against my submissive nature, I can do that. There’s enough of a craving for me to come out of my shell and control another willing person. Do I have enough of it in me to coerce a man into taking a 12 inch strap on up the ass, or put a vice like chastity device on a guy’s junk: not sure, until I try. Could I take a sub’s money without guilt? Who knows.

Secondly is that the current phenomenon of online Findomme is drastically different from the traditional Master/sub relationship. During this month, I came to respect the ordinary (!?!) version of BDSM. For a finer tuned, nuanced perspective, I asked a very successful professional Dom his opinion on the Findomme phenomenon.
“As for insights, my perspective is that people who are strictly findom/dommes are not truly seen as part of the BDSM community. It’s a stereotype due to the swarm of opportunistic people who jump in as “insta-doms.” Some pro-Doms/Dommes (like myself) do practice findom but it’s a sideline activity that is integrated with BDSM. I can spot an insta-dom a mile away by their attitude and what they say. Personally, I loathe them as much as I dislike fetish only providers who call themselves a domme.”

This meshed with my realization that most practicing Findommes were not in it for the long term relationship. My experiences in BDSM was that financial help given from a sub to a Dom was done as part of an ongoing relationship. My Professional Dom friend concurred.
“Findom for me is usually something that comes with one of my training services like by phone or email… the client will ask for it, after we’ve established the training relationship. For example, I had a woman in the U.S. request D/s training by email. After the second email, she asked if I would oversee her weight loss program – with financial penalties if she strayed. She sent cash in the mail as a result of the training. That grew into her surrendering more of her money willingly. That is true submission in my opinion. It was never abusive (consent violation): it was consensual and within the bounds of our negotiated limits.”
He went on to share the disdain that, I’ve noticed, is shared with many in the BDSM community about the current state of Findomme: it tends to be opportunistic amateurs using and abusing for quick cash. It makes the whole institution of BDSM look foolish.
Lastly, will I continue the Findomme experiment past this month? All I can say is maybe. If I do, it won’t be in the mold of the current batch of Online Findommes. I will do my best to form the connection, the give and take necessary to make a lasting BDSM interaction work. It won’t be the “pay me and fuck off” deals that’s pervasive now. So, in the end, the experiment both failed and succeeded.

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2 thoughts on “Findomme: The Aftermath

  1. I noticed that as I started out I was doing it all wrong. Mostly since I dont have all the tools necessary. I like the idea of taking a mans money but I love the control and dominance more. I had to take a step back to better my approach. There really has been a swarm of insta dommes and thats what I thought was how findoming was done. But clearly I was wrong. So I’m here to share my experiences and gain feed back.

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