#BDSM · SexualConsent · Sexuality

A Short BDSM Primer

There’s no denying the dark appeal of BDSM (Bondage, Dominance, Submission, Masochism). It isn’t about being bored with vanilla penis/vagina sex, it’s about control. Real life sucks, and how much it blows depends on your position in life. Do you feel lost, drowning in the loss of freedom mundane life doles out? Some people regain a sense of center by entering into a socio/sexual contract with another. One person gains the power to control the pleasure of another, but the other must agree to give up the power and receive what the other gives. The Dom/sub relationship can be straight, gay, bisexual, or group. The Dominant decides the pleasure, the submissive agrees to take it. For a person who feels the need to feel responsible for another, the Dom gains the satisfaction of making the decisions. For a person who feels bogged down by the pressures of being the grown up and making decisions, being a sub means the freedom of not being responsible, and going with the flow.Once the main agreement on who does what is reached, it’s just a matter of deciding what you do. Some like tying/being tied up, others like pain. Many like humiliation. You can go as dark as you wish, as long as you both agree on limits.
About that…the use of safe words is a very common and misunderstood part of BDSM. The agreement is that if the Dom (or Domme, if they’re female) goes too far for the sub’s comfort, the sub can use a previously agreed upon word to stop all activity. This must be very clear: both sides need to comfortable in the use of safe words. If the Dom/Domme ignores the safe word, it’s abuse, plain and simple. Conversely, if the sub doesn’t feel confident in using the safe word, injury can occur. An experienced Dom/Domme can usually see a sub’s fear, and stop, with or without a safe word. However, the chance of misunderstandings is huge and dangerous. That’s why a new couple getting into BDSM should take there time, do their research, and pay close attention to each other.
In my experience, I have been both Domme and sub at different times, called switching. To be honest, I never enjoyed being dominant. However, I was good at it and was paid well for my services. In my heart, I am a submissive. Most times, the real world overwhelms me. The opportunity to just let someone else decide, freed me. There’s nothing hotter that the anticipation of what will happen next. Will he time me up and use a belt? Maybe he will want to role play? Will mind games ensue? The thrill of the unexpected is the key. I heartily encourage all consenting adults do give it a whirl at least once. You might just learn something about yourself.

POSTSCRIPT: FIFTY SHADES OF GREY IS NOT TRUE BDSM!!!! I can’t stress this enough. This was written by a rank amateur (in writing skills AND BDSM) who was writing bad smut. Now, I love smut, don’t misunderstand me. FSOG is about an abusive sociopath who used some BDSM games. These books have done so much harm, it sets my teeth on edge.

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One thought on “A Short BDSM Primer

  1. Great Post M’Lady. I always feel your writing.
    For some side splitting entertainment, read Amazon, FSOG reviews. Including mine. I really hate that people don’t read more. If they read regularly E.L. James, would not have stood a ghost of a chance. What was it, P.T. Barnum said? “There’s a sucker born every minute!” Well played, E.L. James, well played.

    Like

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